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I hate waking up and knowing I'm back in the land of the depressed. Not only knowing I'm back, but not being able to leave. I can fake the happiness, but you all know that I rarely do that.
Anybody have a one-way ticket back to happy-land?
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Comments: Read 416 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, April 5th, 2003
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Okay
I'm alright
Maybe
Or Not
I'm insane
That's it
I'm also in Fair Oaks
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | Fuck |
| Time: | 9:52 pm. |
| Mood: |  frustrated. | | Music: | Celine Dion - I Drove All Night. |
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I hate my emotions, and whatever causes them to be so unpredictable.
They fuck me over.
I love and hate you all ; simultaneously.
There's so much hatred and sickness in this world. It scares me.
Today wasn't the greatest day, but hopefully it won't have long lasting effects.
Becuase I really do love and care about a person who thinks that I don't. I just don't know how to show it. Which I hate, as well.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
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Saturday, March 29th, 2003
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| Subject: | I'm Irked |
| Time: | 12:07 pm. |
| Mood: | coughing and coughing and more coughing. | | Music: | none. |
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It' Saturday morning and I'm still sick, even more sick than I was earlier on the week... Why am I not getting better?!?!
If I have pneumonia or mono or some bad bad disease I'm going to be especially irked.
I'm gonna do laundry today.
It's pretty outside
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
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Well, I decided to add both Dayquil and Nyquil (Longs version of course) to my list of things I'm fighting this cold with ....Along with Halls Defense Mulit-Blend drop thingies... Die sickness die!!!
I went to school today, to see how behind I was after missing 3 days ; not that far actually. But I did feel like shit, and got a headache and forgot to bring Tylenol so that wasn't cool.
2 days left to go until the weekend.... 2.. long...days. If I don't get well by Friday night, I'm going to be officially irked.
Hugs to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) stargazen and desertlama for get-well commenting
Extra big hugs, along with an early kiss on the cheek to mroctober for get-well e-mails that happen to include Chapter 6.
I dunno what I'd do without my LJ amigos.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | Ewe |
| Time: | 9:53 am. |
| Mood: |  sick. | | Music: | celine dion - i drove all night (hex hector mixshow). |
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I just woke up and blew my nose 48 times, no joke, I counted. After all that, I can still barely breathe, it's as if I did nothing.
Colds are stupid and gross and super frustrating. The cough isn't gone either.
I swear I'm the male form of Satine.
I'm gonna go to school today, late, but I'm still going, I don't really know why. Maybe I'll infect the entire school, except for Colin and Katy. Mwahaha.
*coughs*
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, March 25th, 2003
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Well, today I stayed home, sick, day #2. I hate being sick, it's so stupid/miserable. Thank god for being able to breathe courtesy of Sudafed.
You would think that I'd do something productive being home all day, but no...
Make the cough go away. Or come make me soup and take care of me?
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
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( Good Weekend )
Too tired to update Monday, right now. I'll do that later... Only big thing is Borders finally got in "Trysts: A Triskaidecollection of Queer and Weird Stories" which I'll finish in 2 days, just because I love Steve Bermans mroctober writing..
Yeah, if I added you as an LJ friend, it's probably because your part of same "gay community" and I liked your info and journal, so don't be frightened if I start commenting on your posts....
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Chris Dow, a gay 16 year old in the Sacramento area, hung himself in his garage recently, and I decided to share my reflections. Also, the story on his tragic death, as found in the newspaper - http://www.sacbee.com/content/news/story/6277603p-7231521c.html
Every time I hear about a suicide by an LGBT, I always think of what a wake-up call this is. I think how god-damn homophobic society is, and how it hurts more than people know. How it hurts people so much that the only way they feel they can escape the constant pain, is to kill themselves, and not wake up in the morning and go through emotional, sometimes physical hell. I think to myself how many of these teens would be alive today, if they had somebody to talk to. Somebody to cry on when it seemed as the entire world had turned against them. I think how much I value just being able to talk to somebody, and how so many of us have someone that we can go to, but at the same time, so many don't. So many have to live with being called a "fag" day in and day out ; so many have to live in a society where when somebody wants to show their annoyance at something, more often then not, you'll hear "That's so gay". So many have to go through this pain, and don't have anyone or anything to get it all out on ; so they resort to themselves.
All these remarks, putting into influential minds that being attracted to the same sex is somehow wrong, but not realizing that maybe the person sitting next to them, is maybe gay - fighting a constant emotional battle between life and death. When everyday continuing to put up with daily hell, in hopes that it will get better someday & ending one's life now, thinking that it's just too much, going through hell isn't worth for whatever life is supposed to be, that the feelings they're having are wrong, and they should be ashamed is a constant psychological struggle. Little thought is done when such remarks are made, and people need to realize that it needs to stop NOW. Because as long as society allows this to continue, people are going to keep looking and looking for ways out, and tragedy will be repeated, people are going to say that suicide is that way out.
This tragic incident hit home, especially. It home for 2 main reasons. One being that it's so close to home, I used to live in West Sacramento for god's sake. That kid could've been me, or the kid who sat next to me in math. Also, just the fact of being gay, hits my heart. I know what a battle it is. I know how much it hurts, and all the torments and battles inside that go on. I've been suicidal because of those torments. I've thought to myself, that I'm never going to find that special somebody that a large majority of the people around me seems to have found. I've thought to myself no more wanting to scream my lungs out at almost everyone I go to school with who uses "gay" as a derogatory term. No more pain. But, throughout all of my struggle, I've had amazing support. I've had people who I know I could call upon 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and they'd be there.
Then I realize that so many people, go through the same constant struggle, and so many don't have that amazing support. This might a little bit like a cheap video they show you in school, but: If you are one of those people, who doesn't have anyone to turn to, there are people who are there to talk. There are people who will listen to everything that's going through your head, and they can be reached at: The Trevor Help line, a 24-hour suicide hotline for gay youths: 1-866-488-7386. Also, I'd like to open myself up to anyone out there, who just needs someone to listen when nobody else does. If somebody, anybody, doesn't feel like calling an 800 number, feel more than free to AIM me at: Bobthefreakboy or e-mail me - Bobthefreakboy@hotmail.com. Please, just get it out to somebody. Keeping it inside is the worst thing you can do
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Comments: Read 12 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, March 13th, 2003
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Tuesday, March 11th, 2003
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I didn't go to school today because I was pissed off at my fucking mother. I wake up to Mrs. MacMillan (my school counselor) calling around 8:30 and asking me why my mother and I didn't show up for my independent study meeting........... AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My fucking mother forgot about it completely, and was like ehh, I'm sorry, bla bla bla, so now I have to wait till fucking next week. AAAAAHHH!!!!! Do they not understand that I don't do my work when I'm at school? That I'd do my work if I could do it from home and not be in a miserable enviroment every single fucking day.....
Progress report: Science- "F" ; Algebra - "F" ; U.S. History- "F" ; P.E.- "A-" ; and Spanish- "C-" But I don't care. I've given up on caring. I know I'm failing English as well, so my GPA currently is a 1.2 I figure if I fail all my classes this quarter, and get an A in all them next quarter on independent study, I'll end with a C average, which is good enough for me. But if I find out that I can't have independent study fourth quarter, then I'll just do enough work to pass.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, February 28th, 2003
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Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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Your Heart is Blue.
In response to what it says as the results ; nobody broke my heart, and whoever created the test really needs to learn some basic grammar and spelling. I'm not crushed, and hopefully, one day I will love.
( School )
( Today )
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
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| Subject: | Friends |
| Time: | 12:38 am. |
| Mood: | Thoughtful. | | Music: | Something Corporate - Konstantine. |
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Well, it's exactly 11:00 p.m. right now, and I thought that I should write some of things that are going through my head down. If you want to read them, that's your choice.
( Friendship )
( Second Part Of Tuesday )
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
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depressed.
crazy.
confused.
anxious.
mischievous.
blank.
calm.